Actual
memos sent while I worked at Nuc Plant in Louisiana.
(Yes
I am the Dave in the memos, LOL)
They were referred to as the
These
memos did end up in a
creative
writing course.
(LOL)
To: Fire
Protection
From:
George
The
farting in the shop is going to stop! If it continues, someone
is going
to get a 3 day unpaid vacation. It's over NOW!
If you
must do this, get out of the damn shop and stay out
until
the stench is gone.
Enough
has already been said about this. Grow up!!!
George
To: George
From:
Dave
Showing
much indifference and careless disregard for your
recent
memo, the indigenous life forms that can be located
within
the perimeter established by these walls during the
evening
hours continue to vent the obnoxious fumes you are so
concerned
with. Although occasionally offensive, this venting
does
seem to serve a very useful purpose among these creatures.
Should
one not be able to purge these gasses, the life form could
become
unstable and pose a threat to others within the
perimeter.
Usually, upon venting, the creature displays its
teeth
in a non-threatening manner and exudes an audible
response
resembling a laugh. After the initial excitement and
levity,
there is a measurable reduction in tension among the
life
forms. This has the appearance of being a needed biological
function
of these indigenous life forms. It is used to maintain
comfort
and, as such, should not be stopped.
Dave
To: Dave
From:
George
I appreciate
you informing me that the indigenous life forms
are
continuing to vent their frustrations during the evening
hours.
Since I am not present during these hours, they can
relieve
the pressure until the entire area becomes a
"contamination"
zone for all I care. However, I would advise
them
to be careful since some of them could possibly blow their
brains
out.
As to
your concern that some of these creatures could become
unstable
if not allowed to expel their opinions, I think it may be
too
late for several of them. I don't believe my recent memo
you
referenced showed indifference or careless disregard for
these
individuals. On the contrary, I thought it showed
compassion.
I addressed an odoriferous situation, which had to
be nipped
in the butt. I welcome your concern and appreciate
any
further input you would care to contribute. However,
please
keep your output to yourself.
George
From:
Dave
To:
George
May
I commence by offering my congratulations to you.
Your
latest memo used many words of greater than one syllable
and
were correctly spelled. I only wonder who helped you.
Back
to the imagined problem at hand. I can fully understand
your
situation in this matter. Just as a former smoker becomes
the
most adamant non-smoker, you , as a former leader in the
emission
of odoriferous fumes are probably embarrassed by how
well
others can vent while you can not ( or will not).
Probably
you have gone so long without that your mind has
clouded
over and can no longer send the appropriate signals to
produce
the relieving gas without particulate contamination.
Your
condition is of concern to many. We desire to create a
stress
free working environment for the creatures that are found
within.
I sincerely hope you can alleviate your malady soon and
resume
the normal venting procedure required for stress
reduction
and peace of mind.
I also
agree that some involved are greatly endowed in the gas
production
department. Others tend to envy these mass gas
producers
and attempt to emulate them. The cure for this is time
and
age. As the life form matures its biological functions alter
to adjust
to circumstances. Meanwhile you could learn to accept
conditions
and hope for personal relief. Try analyzing the
intonation
patterns of the serenade to which you are subjected.
Some
are quite creative. Judge them by volume. duration, pitch,
flavor,
and seismic effect. You may find the results entertaining
enough
to reduce your internal confusion and find relief.
Dave
From:
George
To:
Dave
Let
me begin by thanking you for your congratulations on my
spelling
and word usage. I was aided by a Mr. Webster, whom
I am
sure you are very familiar with yourself. Anyway, back
to the
smelly matter at hand. It is true that I was at one time a
practitioner
of gaseous emissions. However, as you are well
aware,
I developed a condition known as
"hair
trigger syndrome".
This
condition lead to an early retirement plan for the gas wars,
still
being constantly fought in the Electrical Shop and
surrounding
areas. It also lead to a realization that there are
more
important things than being recognized as the most
foul
smelling, the loudest, or the longest lasting producer of a
substance
that is not visible yet can make one's eyes water or
peel
paint from the walls. As to anyone who would advocate
judging
such an emission for the flavor content, I can only say
your
sense of smell and taste must have been destroyed during
your
long career in the Navy. Probably due to so much time
spent
at sea with just the boys. This will be my final
correspondence
on this subject, as it is beginning to get stale.
George
From:
Dave
To:
George
We have
finally agreed on something. This series of
correspondence
is becoming burdensome. We are losing the
entertainment
value that has brought smiles to so many faces
these
last few days. Also I suspect that you have totally
exhausted
your available vocabulary bank.
The
"hair trigger syndrome" that you refer to is quite serious.
If memory
serves me, you have been know to demonstrate its
effects.
It's a shame to see such a fine practitioner reduced
to the
feebleminded state of an advanced geriatric suffering from
abdominal
incontinence. But George, sometimes you have to
throw
caution to the wind and let it fly. Even with your
debilitating
maladies, you should not force others to stop this
method
of stress relief. Your method of dealing with this aromatic
problem
doesn't say much for you level of intelligence. To quote
your
friend Mr. Webster:
"intelligence
- The ability to learn or understand or deal with
new
or trying situations. The ability to apply knowledge to
manipulate
one's environment."
Since
you have had little to no effect on your environmental
situation,
there is little the Mr. Webster could say to defend
your
intelligence. However, these past few days have brought
upon
us a marked increase in your abilities to express yourself.
There
is HOPE.
Dave
End of the FART MEMO's
